Saturday, March 11, 2006

Once upon a time

Once upon a time , on a beautiful tropical island there were Geckos. Not to be confused with a Geico, which just eats your hard- earned money and for the most part has nothing to do with real Geckos. Tell it to Warren. But I digress.
Yes there were Geckos...
Actually, there were many, many Geckos , all silly & care free, happy and free, eating bugs, insects, and an occasional fruit.
They had different tastes in bugs, mating and mating calls but there were enough bugs and babes for every gecko. The Geckos enjoyed getting together with the Great Hall Priests each Sunday to worship the great Geckondom, where all good Gekkonidae go after they get old and die.
There was no strife, and no boredom, because there were plenty of babes to mate with and there was plenty of bugs and worms for all who wanted to run off to the lagoon and get some.

Which, as it turned out, beget the problem. You see, some Gekkonidae are very large, and tuff , but it took too long to slither, walk or crawl down to the beautiful lagoon some days to grab enough bugs to eat. Then, of course you had to crawl back. Which took time and energy, as a respectable Gekkonidae would much rather be basking on the rocks in the hot sun, catching his or her tan, showing off his or her lizzardly legs with the other hunks and babes, as the case may be.

So it came to pass that one day, one rather large Moorish Gecko named Roths, or Rottie as his large friends called him, got his buddies together and said: "There must be a better way."

You see, although the lagoon was quite large, there were the best spots for rock climbing, scoring babes, and feasting on the best bugs than others.

"The inner Rock crop", Rottie said, " is the best area for all kinds of bugs, insects and mating calls on the island. We are stronger than the other Gekkonidae, it is obvious to me that the great Geckondom created us larger so we could protect and serve the smaller and more feeble Tree Geckos that are native to our island."

"Yes, but did not the great Geckondom create all Geckos equal as it is preached by the priests in the lagoonagogs?"

Being large, articulate but mostly cunning Rottie's reply was quick: " We are large Geckos. Are not some geckos created more equal than the others?"

"Where did you hear that Rottie?"

"I don't know. I read it in a book somewhere."

"The point is this: I'm getting too old to be climbing the rocks down to the lagoon everyday, and you are too. What are you gonna tell your mates and kids when you don't bring home the cockroaches they expect you to have each night?"
"She'll kick you out and get herself a young Leachianus to mate with and you'll be croaking the blues down by the swamp."

Rottie smiled and his eyes narrowed.

"I have a plan: We must become the protectors of the colony of Geckonidae. The great Geckondom deserves to be worshiped by as many Geckos as possible, and not be eaten by some pesky crocodile that feels like some green exotic meat.This is my divine plan, as I speak with the great Geckondom ever day."

"Wow Rottie!" You never told us this before.." His friends exclaimed.

"Hush, you insipid lizards, and listen." Rottie went on:

"We must alert them to the dangers of the Crocodiles that could come up from the lagoon. We must protect them. We must be there for them. We must serve them."

"But Rottie", questioned one of the clansgeckos " that has never happened before!"

Rottie was getting impatient. " So what, you sniveling fool?" Rottie exclaimed. " It doesn't mean it couldn't happen!"
" It could happen", Rottie shared, " don't you see?"

"Of course, this will cost something, nothing is free. Even living in paradise on this beautiful island is not free. Freedom is not free. One must work hard everyday crawling down to the lagoon to get the bugs, spend hours rehearsing mating calls and attracting good producer babes, and then copulate for hours after tanning on the rocks, which might not be called work exactly but that's not the point."

"So what is the point Rottie?"

"Isn't it obvious you loathsome toad? To have others do the hard work for us! Geckondom did not give us great girth for nothing! Even the priests of the Great Geckondom would have to agree with this major tenet of Gecko salvation.It is our duty. It is our divine right to claim our leadership abilities. It is written. Somewhere."
Rottie paused.

"Which is why we must begin at once to employ the priests of the great Geckondom to espouse our greatness and further our calling in protecting the feeble ones from becoming a side dish at a crock-luncheon!
Of course the Priests must be paid for there work to spread the good news and this most excellent and noble idea.
We shall call it: Project News Against Crocodiles(PNAC)."

So the great Moorish Geckos went out to the priests of the great Geckondom to suggest the attributes of blessing Geckondom even more because of the increased Geckos that would be alive to bless him. Most of the Priests were getting up in age and were most delighted to hear of the audacious Moorish Gecko plan which would keep the evil crocks away and keep the Priest's bellies full of bugs, with only spreading the words that the great Geckondom would probably want to hear anyway.

Moorish Geckos were daring in their execution of the plan.
First they secured the large rock forest were the best tanning, mating calls and actual matings were at. They insisted it was for Gecko government security. They created a reserve for the most exotic and delicious bugs, worms and insects. Gaining the help of other Priests,frogs, and geicos they and aptly named it GATT- Geico Alliances of Totalitarian Trade. The workers garnering the massive amounts of extra bugs and worms needed for this noble plan were Christened the- Immediate (bug) Moving Facility(IMF).

The priests did what they could, and the Moorish Geckos gave speeches endlessly, but it was evident that the Geckos green hearts were just not into it. They would smile and laugh and bring one or two extra bugs to the rock groupings that served as the Central Gecko assembly.

The silly geckos would rather just mate and frolic on the rocks, go swimming in the ponds or climb trees, eat and mate. The servents to the common geicos( aka the Chiefs), would certainly not retire in style like this.
Something had to be done.

So the Moorish Geckos got the best Gecko trackers they could find and made them their lieutenants. They paid them with a few extra bugs, and a few extra luscious babe Geikos who wanted to mate. Frequently.
They instructed them to go out and find the nearest outpost of crocks, which they did and brought back the report to the chiefs, who immediately began planning a large Geicko picnic feast.

It was a beautiful day when the great feast commenced, not a cloud in the sky and a warm westerly wind blowing through the rocks and trees. The frogs and Geckos were happy, and grateful for the generous offering of tasty bugs, insects and assorted fruits provided by the Moorish Chiefs. Even if the common Geckos were the ones that initially collected it all, it was still fun.

Rottie sent out one of his lieutenants named Larry that had been denied mating rites for a few days, but promised after he fulfilled this one last duty he would be fulfilled until the end of his days. The salivating Gecko lieutenant acted at once on his assignment, which was very simple: To find the crock outpost and see if he could outrun the crocks all the way back to the big party and collect his prize, who would be waiting, anxiously to mate with him until the frogs came home.

Of course Larry found the crocks at once, got their attention and ran as fast as his little Gecko legs could carry him envisioning nothing but mating, mating mating.
Which , unfortunately, were his last thoughts before he became a mid- day snack for several large hungry crocks that were still hungry after consuming poor Larry. Then, upon hearing the partying of Geckos nearby began running at full speed to what was assured to be a very tasty dinner. At least he died with a smile on his face and a dream in his little green heart before the real tragedy began.

And so it was that many, many Geckos became din -din for the hungry crocks that fateful day, who after taking their fill, finally slithered back home to their crocodile bogs happy and content.

And happy and content was Rottie; but outwardly a mandatory grave & solemn demeanor that would have to be dignified with sincere sympathy for the victims, and the families of the deceased with an earnest plan for action.

Everything changed that day, for the rumor of crocodile attacks had become a gruesome reality.It was no longer IF, but WHEN they would come again. Everyone agreed the Chiefs and Priests had been right all along.

Everyone hated Crocs, and everyone wanted to kill crocs. They announced immidiate establishment of a prime Gecko killing squad that would protect and serve the common Gecko and named it:
NORAD- Nocturnal Organization and Remediation Against Destroyers.

Recruitment into the volunteer Gecko army soared. Bug collection rates skyrocketed. Beautiful babe virgin babe gieco offered themselves at the feet of the Moorish Chiefs (and even to the Gecko Priests)!
But some of the impudent tree geckos would ask silly questions they learned in school, or from some old Geckos prior to the PNAC, were arrested and taken to huge caves were they were given only one bug per day, no mating call privileges and "re-educated".
The fact that the Moorish Geckos had trapped a rather large crock in the cave, definitely helped to convert many insolent questioners. Sometimes rumors of horror can be persuasion enough to obey.

Later it would be determined that volunteers were just not enough to support the above average appetites of the Morrish Chiefs and the Priests, who by now were growing larger and larger, but working it off by mating constantly and getting the best, most envious of tans.This was how life should be. This was how Geckondom would want it to be. But there were more to feed than just the Cheifs. This was a war, and as long as there were crocadiles, the war would not end.Which meant the more geckos were needed to keep a running, fully fed Gecko army at 100%.

There had to be a draft. There had to be service to the freedom and security of Geckonidae all through the island.

There were some Priests called Pat, Jerry, and Jimmy who loved Rottie so much , they wanted him to be King.
They suggested this idea to the great hall assembly one Sunday and anyone who did not agree was asked to leave the great hall assembly and never come back. This was what, the priests said, the Great Geckondom would do(WWGGD?). To do otherwise was blasphemous.

And so it was done, with a wink of an eye and an extra large assortment of bugs for Pat, Jerry and Jimmy, it cam to pass that Rottie became 'the chosen one' of the Great Geckondom and the king of Gekkonidae far and wide.

To keep his Kingship, Rottie had to employ a lot of other lieutenants to hunt for the best bugs and cockroaches, of such a variety that was most enjoyable to his tastes. They also had to recruit the brightest geicos from universities that were pledged with extra bugs, as long as they were allowed to have recruiters on staff to assist other younger geicos on the benefits of joining the great Noble Almighty Tribe of Omnipresense (NATO).
They also had the best babe Geicos to mate with, and all the army had seconds, or thirds, or worse, as the case may be. Rank, of course was important.

But this cost bugs. Lots and lots of bugs. Maintaining security against the croc threat was not easy, and it certainly was not free. Except of course, to the Moorish Chiefs and the Priests. But that doesn't count you see. Royalty has it's priviledges, see.

It came to pass that the geckos that were working to get the bugs to the King and his court, did not have enough time to get the appropriate amount of bugs for their own families. So now for the first time,there was scarcity. The healthier and younger geckos would charge extra bugs for a few bugs to the older ones.Then the older ones would have to work even harder the next week to keep up to get bugs for the royal court AND the bug interest.

It became quite the racket.

Gecko psycological and debt reduction plans became the rage. GeckOphrah interviewed dozens and dozens of people lamenting the extra work needed to be done, just to pay their bills. It was clear it was driving some gecko families... ..well, buggy.

In the mean time Rottie and the Moorish Court grew fatter and fatter, lazier and hornier and made the common geckos work harder and harder to support their blatant debauchery. This created some rising discontent among the formerly happy, silly and care free Geckos. Rottie decided to find the most boorish and ruff among the crowd and christen them into his service as the Never Silly Alliance (NSA) Force.

The Never - Silly force went out among the other Giecos with their deep tans and dark shades and put the fear of Geckondom into the would be silly heroes of Gekkonidae.

And the workers worked. The Royalty ruled, and the priests preached, and every now and then Rottie would let a croc come out to play, just to keep the dreams and visions of royal paradise in Gekkonidae alive forever.

That is, until one day, there came some huge machines on the tropical island paradise which cleared the earth, and took out the trees that the Gecko climbed on, the rocks that they tanned and mated on, and started building 5 star resort hotels for the rich royalty of humankind, that deserved to be rich, and royal, well, you know, ..just because.
All the Geckos went scurrying, as the last thing on their minds were crocs or admonishings from the royal courts, mainly because their were no crocs or royal courts anymore.

As Rottie lamented his fate on a rock in the sun , a human - damn them to hell-had the audacity to walk over to his Geckondom priviledged fat gecko ass, look down and pick him up.

"How cute!" said Warren Buffet. " I think I have a place for you!"

And the rest of the story is , as they say, history.


GATT- geico alliances of totalitarian trade
NORAD- nocturnal organization and remediation against destroyers
IMF- immediate (bug) moving facility
NAS- Never All Silly Force
NATO-Noble Almighty Tribe of Omnipresense
Warren Buffet- CEO of Bershire Hathaway -owns Geico Insurance.
AJ- Future pulitzer prize winner novelist THE JESUS CAMP MOVIE!! OUT IN NOV 2006 A MUST SEE!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Finally, one that reads well!!

5:03 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Anonymous thanks for visiting!
But bite me anyway.

5:15 PM  
Blogger Ron Nasty said...

Which only goes to show that you don't have to be Geckoish to make it in show biz (but it certainly helps)

6:34 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Ron-Or politics for that matter, but why go there?

8:31 PM  
Blogger qrswave said...

what great fun, aj!

Too bad, I have to pay those bastards a handsome sum before the end of the month, for doing nothing.

That's some racket they have going, eh? They get to collect mandatory protection money from the entire population.

May their days and nights in hell will be infinitely long and exceedingly hot.

7:18 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Many our days ALIVE on Earth be LESS wrought and weary! At least until I gain employment working for them! Thanks JC

8:27 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

I mean qrswave! my bad.

12:45 PM  
Anonymous LILY BRANFORD said...

AJ, methinks you either no longer love me or you are still thinking I will pay you for those hardwood floors.

"get herself a young Leachianus to mate with"

Thats what we ALL need!!! A young leachianus!!!!! Is that pronounced LEAKY ANUS though??????????

8:39 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Hey Lily!
I still love you my young luscious Liachames!
Me too busy to mate, or talk about politics with work. How about Friday after 4? hee hee

8:41 AM  
Anonymous linda said...

Quite a story!!

11:04 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

This is fantastic. Love it.

12:06 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

why fight it. start your own insurance company, sell extra-terrstrial insurance.

1:59 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Thanks guys & gals!
Been busy lately, sorry I have not had a chance to stop over to say hi...

5:48 PM  
Blogger vper1 said...

Aj, this story is factually inaccurate , it is common knowledge that female geckos are able to procreate with themselves thus eliminating the need for the male geckos.

12:40 AM  
Blogger AJ said...


I was aware there are species of geckos that can do this...the point of the story was not necessarily factual exactness..
Hey where's our model at these days?:)

7:57 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

I guess vper1 has explained Karl Rove...

still technically on vacation, and we're having a great time.

Hope you're having a great weekend.

2:01 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

could not get your gecko story out of my head. like a song, now i am going to have to write about geckos.

10:25 AM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Just did a post about your story. It's your souvenir. Hope you are well.


12:25 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Rev & Kat,

you guys are too good to me.Sorry I've been a bit of a mommel..momel? I need to stop working and get out more! Thanks again.

1:48 PM  
Anonymous LILY BRANFORD said...

Awww just so you know we like you anyway, AJ-AWOL head.

My favorite conspiracist. I won't ask you my Crowley questions this week. I'll give the workin man a break. Just wanted to say hi and all that.

4:29 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Thanks Lily, you're a sport!

5:49 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

are you ok aj, you've not blogged in a bit????????

6:30 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Hi Rose! Been a bit busy..
Happy Spring and hope you've gathered a full “Libros Carminum”!

*Im good as your apprentice whenever you are....!

7:46 AM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Russ Feingold is on Jon Stewart's show tonight. Hope you get to see it so you can make up your own mind about him.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Almost two weeks since your last post? I'm starting to go through withdrawal... maybe I should go get one of my hubby's Edgar Casey books... or maybe I'll just wait... hope you're working hard and filling your bank account.

11:38 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

thanx Kath, one's coming just for you!

6:10 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home