Thursday, December 22, 2005

The White House

What the President (Really) was thinking:
Decemeber 17, 2005
The White House
10:06 A.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.
(Eat shit, I don't want to be here)

As President, I took an oath to defend (crap on) the Constitution, and I have no greater responsibility than to (make me and my friends as much money as possible) protect our people, our freedom, and (my) our way of life.

On September the 11th, 2001, our freedom and way of life came under attack by brutal enemies (in your government, but who would ever believe a nobody like you) who killed nearly 3,000 innocent Americans (collateral damage). We're fighting these enemies across the world (especially if they don't pay their IMF loans on time).

Yet in this first (of many to come) war of the 21st century, one of the most critical battlefronts is the home front (you). And since September the 11th, we've been on the offensive against the terrorists plotting within our borders (watch what you write , say or blog, or your ass is ours).

One of the first actions we took to protect America after our nation was attacked was to ask (bullshit) Congress to pass the Patriot Act. The Patriot Act tore down the legal (boorish and ridiculous) and bureaucratic (lawfully constitutional) wall that kept law (Blackwater death squad goons) enforcement and intelligence authorities from sharing vital information about terrorist threats. And the Patriot Act allowed federal investigators to pursue terrorists(against you-if you cop an attitude) with tools(anything they damn well want ) they already used against other criminals. Congress passed this law with a large, bipartisan majority, including a vote of 98-1 in the United States (bought&paid for suck ass) Senate.

Since then, America's law enforcement personnel have used this critical law to prosecute terrorist operatives (especially presidents that get blow jobs during work hours) and supporters, and to break up terrorist cells in New York, Oregon, Virginia, California, Texas and Ohio (who cares if we have not even tried one case successfully?). The Patriot Act has accomplished exactly what it was designed to do: (keep tabs on any middle-class assholes that might get ideas) it has protected American liberty and saved American lives.
Yet key provisions of this law are set to expire in two weeks.

The terrorist threat to our country will not expire in two weeks (we will make sure of that). The terrorists want to attack America again, and inflict even greater damage than they did on September the 11th (the best is yet to come). Congress has a responsibility to ensure that law enforcement and intelligence officials have the tools they need to protect(their God given wages from) the American people.

The (obsolete) House of Representatives passed reauthorization of the Patriot Act. Yet a minority of senators filibustered to block the renewal of the Patriot Act when it came up for a vote yesterday (Fucking morons that don't want to play dice). That decision is irresponsible (they're screwed), and it endangers (their) the lives of our citizens. The senators who are filibustering must stop (or else)
their delaying tactics, and the Senate must vote to reauthorize the Patriot Act. In the war on terror, we cannot afford to be without this law for a single moment. (This is not a suggestion).

To fight the war on terror, I am using authority vested in me by (a totally worthless) Congress, including the Joint Authorization for Use of Military Force, which passed overwhelmingly in the first week after September the 11th. I'm also using constitutional authority vested in me as Commander-in-Chief (I rule, you drool, so do as I say).

In the weeks following the terrorist attacks on our nation, I authorized the National Security Agency, consistent with U.S. law and the Constitution, to intercept the international communications of people with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist (your family) organizations. Before we intercept these communications (listen in on your phone conversations), the government must have information that establishes a clear link to these terrorist networks (and from any of you uneducated morons that think we give a damn, but discover we don't and think of becoming a hero).

This is a highly classified (elite-NWO) program that is crucial to our (me and my friends) national security. Its purpose is to detect and prevent terrorist attacks against the United States, our (my) friends and allies. Yesterday the existence of this secret program (which has been going on for decades) was revealed in media reports
(which is illegal if we don't like it),
after being improperly (constitutionally) provided to news organizations (Watch their stock price coincidentally begin to plummet soon).

As a result, our enemies have learned information they should not have, and the unauthorized (not government approved) disclosure of this effort damages our national security and puts our (me and my family) citizens at risk. Revealing (I miss Jeff Gannon) classified information is illegal, alerts our enemies, and endangers our country (I miss Jeff Gannon).

As the 9/11 Commission pointed out (what a ruse), it was clear that terrorists inside the (government of the) United States were communicating with terrorists abroad before the September the 11th attacks, and the commission criticized our nation's inability (lack of motivation) to uncover links between terrorists here at home (you) and terrorists abroad (them). Two of the terrorist hijackers who flew a jet into the Pentagon (which we miraculously found passports of, a Koran and their nightlife hot club lists), Nawaf al Hamzi and Khalid al Mihdhar, (who were later found alive in Europe) communicated while they were in the United States to other members of al Qaeda who were overseas. But we didn't know they were here, until it was too late (for you- the peasants).

The authorization I gave the National Security Agency after September the 11th helped address that problem in a way that is fully consistent with my constitutional responsibilities and authorities (back in the good ol' days when anything I said was gospel). The activities I have authorized make it more likely that killers like these 9/11 hijackers will be identified and located in time. And the activities conducted under this authorization have helped detect and prevent possible terrorist attacks in the United States (from constitutional radicals that actually love the United States) and abroad (anyone who doesn't like me).

The activities I authorized are reviewed approximately every 45 days. Each review is based on a fresh (and oven -hot hand made) intelligence assessment of terrorist threats to the continuity of our government and the threat of catastrophic damage to our homeland (or Halliburton's bank accounts). During each assessment, previous activities under the authorization are reviewed. The review includes approval by our nation's top legal (bought or blackmailed) officials, including the Attorney General and the Counsel to the President (Sounds so impressive, I still get goosebumps).

I have reauthorized this program more than 30 times since the September the 11th attacks (t'ween vacations at the ranch), and I intend to do so for as long as our nation faces a continuing threat from al Qaeda and related groups.

The NSA's activities under this authorization are thoroughly reviewed by the Justice Department (Homeland Security) and NSA's top legal officials (Homeland Security), including NSA's general counsel (Top Fourth Richt Homeland Security dogs) and inspector general. Leaders (anyone who does what I say) in Congress have been briefed (lied to) more than a dozen times (at least) on this authorization and the activities conducted under it.

Intelligence officials involved in this activity also receive extensive training to ensure they perform (or their money stops coming ) their duties consistent with the letter and intent of the authorization.
This authorization is a vital tool in our war against the terrorists (especially offensive conspiritorial material like Capitol Hills Blues , Rense or Spurious George).

It is critical to saving (my ass) American lives. The American people expect me to do everything in my power under our laws and (the goddamn) Constitution to protect them and their (alleged) civil liberties. And that is exactly what I will continue to do, so long as I'm the President of the United States (which will be for as long as I say it will be).
Thank you.

( I shall take no questions since this is a 'need to know' media age. And you really don't need to know.)

END 10:13 A.M. EST

from actual transcript:

special thanks to: Reverend Billy Gisher THE JESUS CAMP MOVIE!! OUT IN NOV 2006 A MUST SEE!


Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

FUNNY. You're posts keep getting better and better. I went to that make your own Bush movie link, and composed a good one that included something like, "I wanna wag war on the streets of innocent men, women, and children... sigh... on innocent Iraq," Too bad there weren't more words to choose from, but it was still fun. Thanks, and happy holidays.


9:13 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Thanks Kathleen, and Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones!

10:45 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

never seen Jose so crass before, especially liked the line "or Halliburton's bank accounts" anytime you got a gig for Jose, just let me know. Absolutely ruthless, and I wish I could get that harsh, but I gotta play it down the middle. sucks sometimes. i have an idea how murrow must have felt.

2:27 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

thanks rev! Like I said, I'ld probably be lynched over at your house...

7:49 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Damn funny. Your ability to read Herr Leader's mind is much so that all of your telephone calls are now being monitored.

By the way, am I the only one who thinks it odd that W now can't shut about the NSA program he just days ago said shouldn't be discussed?

3:55 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

By the way, aj, I added a link to your site at Spurious George. As your blog defies easy classification, it is currently the only link listed under "Nut-Job Conspiracy Theorists."

(As a welcome regular visitor, you should know that's a compliment at SG)

4:13 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

As one who greatly appreciates your site, and your innovative approach to parody, I am truly honored. Does this mean that you'll let me go if I get a speeding ticket on the East-West Expressway?

7:03 PM  
Blogger qrswave said...


especially the part about not paying the IMF on time!


happy holidays!

10:56 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Appreciate it qrswave!
and Kudos to you on your awesome site-I'll be hanging around putting my 2cents in from time to time.

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good one aj

11:27 AM  

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