Saturday, August 12, 2006

ExxonMobil, the world's biggest privately owned oil group and a target of street protesters, celebrated May Day by reporting the largest quarterly corporate profits in history at $7.04bn (£4.4bn).

(Houston) AP-

In a stunning Associated Press announcement today Spokesman 'Jimmy' Turin-Al Bin Ladin (pictured above) spoke on behalf of Exxon President Rex W. Tillerson on the companies stunning success in management and corporate profits with Star System Tatooine's native Jabba the Hutt.

"Our outlook for energy demand results from what we see as likely economic growth and what we expect from continuing advances in energy efficiency," and that there was "a lot of talk" about future energy contributions from solar and wind.

In a show of humility the official heads of Exxon gave over the platform to Mr. Hutt who , although came to the event in surreal metallic glowing starships measuring three football fields in length and two in height directly over the old Enron Building Picnic complex, were dismissed as phantoms of sunshine/cloud/weather effects or the over imaginations of tin-foil hat wearing Roswell nutcases.

In any event the evidence proved too much to ignore and the atmosphere of -"Fuck-me-in-the-morning-there really IS life out there!", began to permeate the huge facility. On the minds of most everyone in attendance -this immediately exonerated world renown blog spots like Lothlorien Path.

Mr. Hut, who spoke through an interpreter, expressed his pleasure of visiting earth at long last and congratulated EXXON on their achievements for blasting the veil between corporatism and politics.

While chomping on some freshly killed children's bones graciously provided by Exxon, Mr. Hut said:

"Our time has come at last. For those of you who drive cars we thank you. It is time to stop the charade. Exxon, BP, Arco Wal-Mar- we own you. You cannot drive to work without gas, and we have the gas. You cannot drive to the store to buy food, without huge trucks delivering it there that takes gas that we make. You will begin to accept $4.00 /gallon for gas as a common thing. When you make us angry, if we do not outright kill you, we will raise this gas you so much desire to $14.00 /gallon and see how many heroes are left.

It is time for you to make a decision in 2008. We desire for you to consider the merits of General Zod.
Since Mr. Bush has served his time in an excellent capacity that will not go unrewarded, it is time to decry the illusion that voting for different parties will really get what you want.
They are ALL controlled by money or worse.
General Zod will at least not lie to you. It is for you to decide if you wish to perish slowly at the hands of your current corporatist/capitalistic shadow democracy or be honorable slaves-with free healthcare!

I take this time to read an apology from General Zod for not being here on this most auspicious occasion , but he had other pressing matters to deal with.
He asked me to re-read to you and those listening in on TV his official platform:

"When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn't know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebeians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression.{And why America?}
Your mother country has potent military forces and markets all over the world. Are you not the logical choice? Make no mistake, if some petty chieftan somewhere offends me, I can still deal him a swift, merciless blow. Yet your country permits and encourages that, does it not? I believe I have chosen well.

Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote. "
-- General ZodYour Future President and Eternal Ruler

Mr. Hut continued:
"Of course if you do not cast your vote for him you might find yourself with a number of your friends together on a strange planet. We have an exotic animal that loves to eat meat. Live meat. Namely you. 'You will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.'
But, as it always has been in purchasing goods from excellent companies like EXXON or others,
the choice is still yours."

As always, thanx Professor Pan THE JESUS CAMP MOVIE!! OUT IN NOV 2006 A MUST SEE!


Blogger I'm The Devil, Who The Hell Are You? said...

How do you like those folks at Exxon? I make them a deal, endless riches in return for their souls, and what do they do? They make a deal with some blob from outer space. They shall pay an eternity for this!

11:04 PM  
Blogger AJ said...


I am honored at your visit!
Please feel free to drop in any time you can..I have quite a know...Christian Fundys lurking...
oh my.

12:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who knew that the A.P. had such outstanding reporting. I'm impressed! Like Faux News only with General Zod. Who could ask for anything more?!

12:49 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

Bravo...great post..I shall return for more :)

1:03 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Kvatch! Dusty!
Thank you, thank you. You are too kind.

1:31 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home